tattler

This is only my humble opinion, but a man who says he understands women is either…

Suffering from temporary insanity.
Thinks he’s done enough research.
Has a death wish.
Has never come into contact with the opposite sex.

A few years ago I read a fantastic book called ‘Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps’ and I think they got it right. But then it was written by a man and a WOMAN. At times I feel sorry for my partner Dan. He’s actually one of the wise men who don’t approach a roaring fire head on. He sometimes can see the storm brewing and wisely avoids the catastrophe by hiding in the shed, mowing the lawn or just disappearing into fresh air.

Let me explain something about our ‘Jackal & Hyde’ moments. There is no way on earth a man will understand our soaring hormones, the reason? We don’t either. After years of being on this earth, I understand why I burst into tears because the butter did not spread evenly on the toast or the TV was on the wrong program when I switched it on. It’s all good and well understanding why my body is doing this, but try and stop it… IMPOSSIBLE!!

When I have one of those ‘unexplainable’ days, I first check the calendar (yup, it’s that time of the month again), try and avoid anything that might upset or stress me (again IMPOSSIBLE, as everything will and does upset or stress me)… and then I tell my partner that I know it’s ‘Bitch Time’ and go for a long walk in the forest. The woods near my house are my ‘therapy’ zone. I can walk around them, exhausting my body physically, shout and swear at stubborn trees or clammy leaves. Talk to myself for 2 hours, ranting and raving about everything, including my great life, and then go home. Don’t get me wrong, the storm has not settled completely but most of the force has been exhausted. My partner usually has a wonderful deep, hot bubble bath and a cuppa coffee ready for me…which he hands me on the end of a very very very long pole. Either that or he places the coffee in front of me and runs for his life. Unpredictable, oh yeah! Grateful?… maybe after a few hours.

Women burst into tears and most men try the comfort bit. But believe me, hugging a hormonal woman comes with a great risk, as we don’t want to be touched or maybe we do…we don’t know and if you are brave enough to give it a try, be prepared to be shredded and buried in the back yard.

Of course if you don’t try comfort us, we will accuse you of being a ‘cold hearted bastard’, if you do give us a hug, we will accuse you once again for ‘just wanting sex’. You can not win, so don’t even try and just ride the storm out. It does cease, we (and you) just don’t know when.

A friend of mine’s hubby thought he had it all covered. When his wife turned on him for no reason, he escaped into the garden pushing his electric lawnmower very seriously in front of him. The noise of the mower covered any ‘beastly’ screams coming from the house, his duty filled actions diverted his wife from calling him a ‘lazy bastard’ and his lawn was the best groomed in town. Thank goodness they had a very large garden or he would have to get involved with landscaping as well. So you think he did well, oh yeah, for about 4 months and then the dreaded winter came along with a very low growth in the grass department. No worries, it was time to dig a new foundation for his patio, barbecue area or anything that his wife had wished for. Soon seasons changed and the grass grew… he was on safe ground again. Next ‘Bitch session’ came around; he dutifully pulled the lawnmower out of the shed, and stayed in his safe zone, riding out the storm. No luck… why? Remember a very important part of this survival tactic… DON’T MOW THE LAWN NEAR A WASHING LINE, filled with newly washed clothing. It’s a definitely ignition point for catastrophe.

Being a woman myself and having those wonderful ‘Jackal and Hyde’ moments might make me an expert at giving men advice. I would love to (if I could understand them myself) but all I can say for now is….. RUN !!!

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